Ears of corn. They seem so natural, so innocent, all wrapped up in their tight green leafy kimonos, begging to be stripped naked and devoured with lustful buttery zeal.
(Guess I've been watching too much Stephen Colbert "cornography.")
But when you get them home… watch out.
Yesterday I found out how dangerous corn can be. I don't want anyone else to suffer needlessly like I did, so I'm getting my story out onto the Internet in hopes of saving other innocent victims from what I've gone through.
I stopped at a farm stand where I've been buying fruit all summer. After getting a box of berries, I noticed that corn now was available. Unthinkingly, not recognizing the danger I was putting myself in, I bought six ears.
They looked so fresh, I decided to eat one for an energy boost before heading off on my late afternoon dog walk. Not wanting to delay the family pet's Big Joy in Life, sticking an ear in the microwave seemed the fastest cooking option.
I chose four minutes. On high. In a covered glass bowl with some water inside. Good choice. When I took the cover off and felt the kernels they seemed just right: firmly soft, taut yet yielding.
After adding some butter and salt I took my first bite. Which was almost instantly followed by my first profanity. Goddamn hot! So hot, I couldn't believe it, because I'd let the ear of corn cool for, oh, I don't know, can't remember exactly, but it was at least 30 seconds.
Plenty of time for a large ear of corn to reach a comfortable eating temperature after only being in a microwave on high for four minutes. Plenty.
So, scientifically minded guy that I am, I repeated the experiment to see if my initial results were a statistical anomaly. Maybe just a few corn molecules had bucked the thermodynamic entropic odds, ending up in a hotter state rather than cooler after being removed from the microwave, and I'd had the bad luck of eating them.
I had a second bite. And uttered a second profanity. Goddamn hot! Now I could feel some burned spots inside my mouth even though by this time the corn had cooled for well over a minute.
It just didn't seem possible that an ear of corn could stay so hot for so long. Given the unlikelihood that it could, I continued to eat the corn, ritualistically uttering Goddamn hot! after each bite.
This morning, when I brushed my teeth, I could feel how tender the inside of my mouth was. The damn corn had seriously burned me!
The first person I warned about corn today was my wife. When I told her how dangerous corn could be, describing in detail how I carefully prepared an ear of corn yet still was burned by it, she said:
"This is why women live longer than men."
Why she came up with this uncompassionate response is beyond me. There was no warning sign at the farm stand — or better, attached to each ear of corn — alerting consumers to the risks of cooking corn in a microwave and then eating it.
What the hell is the Food and Drug Adminstration doing? Why hasn't the Product Safety Commission stepped in? I can't believe that I'm the first overly-trusting purchaser of corn who thought he was buying a safe vegetable.
How many more people are going to needlessly suffer after biting into a microwaved ear of corn? How many more innocent people will have their pain amplified by repeated mouth-burnings, as happened to me?
Even one more is too many. So forward this blog post to friends, relatives, co-workers, and loved ones — especially those at greatest risk.
On the off chance my wife is correct, focus on the men you know.
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One minute in the microwave is usually sufficient for one ear of corn. You don’t need to add any water; the water in the kernels cooks them from the inside.
Sue the damn farmer. Probably a Republican!
We need warning labels! We need a government-funded education program and a new department dedicated to the prevention of this tragedy. We should raise taxes on corn and other microwaveable vegetables to pay for this new program and try to socially engineer the population to use better judgement when they are paying two dollars for an ear of corn…they will know they are paying for their own safety. Most definitely sue the farmer. Someone must be accountable and used as as example! He probably used some kind of pesticide anyway as a means of boosting his profit…like some corporate Wall Street stooge wearing overalls and a straw hat. Goddamn republicans!
KnowItAll, tastes are diverse. I successfully managed to cook and eat an ear of corn yesterday without having a relapse of Corn Burned Mouth Syndrome. I still went for four minutes in the microwave. One minute seems way too short. But if it works for you, great.
Jack and Dan, thanks for the excellent analyses. I agree that someone needs to be held responsible for my injury, and that person obviously isn’t me — since I was blameless for the mouth-burning.
I enjoy chatting with the farm stand folks once or twice a week. I suspect that if I sued them, our relationship would be affected in at least some small way.
Government regulation seems like a better approach. The notion of a tax on corn to pay for the new program makes a lot of sense. The money also could pay for reparations (retroactive, of course) to those who have suffered Burnt Mouth Syndrome prior to the regulations going into effect.
I think this should be called “Brian’s Law” in honor of, well, me. I had the courage to bring this to the world’s attention and fight for the rights of injured microwaved corn consumers. I’m so proud of me, I can hardly believe myself.
Brian, you kill me, Dude! Really funny stuff. Couldn’t disagree with you more on almost everything…but love your blog. Great formula you have going here.
Maybe it isn’t the corns fault!
Sorry, I don’t see how you can blame the corn. Be careful what you do when you buy a knife with no instructions. Could be dangerous…..
Why use a microwave anyway? Apart from burning your mouth with too hot of food, microwaves supposedly kills all the goodness from food.
Oh Ps, so sorry that your mouth got burnt. It is a good job you do most of your talking on the internet with your fingers! 😉
And your wife is right – again!!
‘This is why women live longer than men’.
Women would have learned after the first bite that it was hot.
Marina
Hot corn is probably the least of your worries when it comes to microwaving
http://www.unhinderedliving.com/microwave.html
I feel sorry for people that take God’s name in vain; the Bible says you will not be held guiltless.
Thats what occurs when your veggs are grown , sprayed or skyfall; heavy metals. Stay hotter when heated. GE