Posted inFamily

A “thanks, dad” to my absent, asshole father

On Father's Day... some thoughts about a father I barely knew. And disliked what I did know about him. Yet it has belatedly dawned on me that my not-so-good dad deserves a lot of thanks -- because without him I'd only be half of what I am. And who is to say which half of me is better than the rest? I'm one big heap of Brian, no dividing possible. I've told my story of my barely there relationship with my father. The title of that post, "One hour with my father," sums it up.  In my entire life, I…
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Posted inFamily

How five year olds now ask “Santa” for presents

Disturbing. Yet also grandparent-proudness producing. That's how I felt after my daughter phoned a few days ago and told me how my five year old granddaughter is asking for Christmas presents. "Evelyn has learned how to press pause on the remote control," my daughter said. "When she's watching a kid show on TV and sees an ad for something she wants, Evelyn pauses the program, then yells at me to get my iPhone and write down the name of the desired gift on her ever-expanding list." Wow. Whatever happened to children going to the mall, sitting on Santa's lap, and…
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Posted inFamily

Married Kama Sutra: loading the dishwasher

Some The New Yorker cartoonists, Simon Rich and Farley Katz, must have been spying on my wife and me. This is exactly what happens almost every time I load the dishwasher.  Caption (for those who don't click the image to enlarge): When the man is loading the dishwasher, and the woman must come over, because he is loading it wrong, it is called the "dishwasher position." Great two-page spread, Simon and Farley. Humor like this and intelligent articles are why I've been a long time The New Yorker subscriber (and the lack thereof are why I recently cancelled my Newsweek…
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Posted inFamily

My 5 year old granddaughter has secret agent skills

I probably shouldn't be blogging about my granddaughter's clearly evident (to a proud grandfather, at least) secret agent skills, because this information could compromise her after she joins the CIA.  However, twenty or so years from now Evelyn will look much different, and she'll have changed her name. Plus, how do you know I'm using her real name? (I assure you I am... but can you trust me, since secret agent'ness obviously runs in the family.) Below is a video of my granddaughter using her wiles to completely fool me into engaging in behavior that isn't in my best interest,…
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Posted inFamily Home life

Our unreal (really!) 2011 Christmas Letter is unveiled

Every year I struggle, for a whole fifteen seconds or so, to come up with a theme for our Christmas Letter -- which we call, with marvelous political correctness, "Holiday Greetings from Laurel and Brian." Once again it was easy to identify a zeitgeist for 2011. Unreal. Such has become our favorite way of handling reality: treat it as illusion.  [Legal disclaimer: this only works with brain-stuff such as emotions, worries, fears, and such. Ignore a red traffic light and your results almost certainly will differ.] So here's our totally unreal 2011 Christmas Letter, a.k.a. Holiday Greetings. Read it and…
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Posted inFamily

My beautiful granddaughter gets Photoshopped

It's fitting. Evelyn, my four year old granddaughter, lives in Hollywood, California. Given this fact and her amazingly good looks, most of which she clearly inherited from her maternal grandfather, it was only a matter of time until a photo of her got improved through Photoshop. Last week we took Evelyn to visit Russ and Delana Beaton's rural home on the east side of Salem. She enjoyed their chickens during her first visit in 2010. This year, Evelyn was more enthused about horses. So Russ kindly gave her a ride on their quarterhorse -- which has an impressive petigree (forgotten…
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Posted inFamily

On Mother’s Day, searching for one honest moment

My mother died in 1985. I don't think about her very much. She's in the back of my mind, but rarely appears front and center. This morning, though, I wanted to devote some of Mother's Day to memories of her. That turned out to be difficult. Almost instantly I got into some pretty weird reminiscing. My mother, Carolyn HInes, was a complex person. As am I, I guess -- or I would have kept my Mother's Day thoughts simple. She divorced my father when I was four, as I wrote about in "One hour with my father." (That's the total…
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Posted inFamily

2010 Hines Holiday Letter belatedly shared

It's so passe to send out a Christmas ("Holiday," for us non-Christians) letter in December. That's so conventional, so traditional, so commonplace. This is an age of individuality, quirkiness, personal expression. Also, in my case, procrastination and laziness. So for both culturally artistic and personally flawed reasons, I'm only now getting around to sharing our 2010 creation online. The theme is...shuuuush...secrets. Download 2010 Christmas Letter Those who want more Christmas in January can read my entire Holiday Letter oeuvre, 1995-2010, here.
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Posted inFamily

My “Merry Christmas” video: will it take me to Hollywood?

Wow, the video I sent off to Hollywood just a few days ago already has gotten rave reviews. The person I was trying to impress with my 20 minute masterpiece liked it so much, she immediately watched it twice. OK, I'll admit this wasn't a studio executive -- not yet, at least. It was my three year old granddaughter, Evelyn. But, hey, she truly does live in Hollywood. And I bet she knows some kids who have some parents who know some people who know some big-time movie types. Yes! I'm on my way to Hollywood! Which I already knew…
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Posted inCurrent affairs Family

My daughter’s bad news for the housing market

Celeste, my daughter, lives in southern California. A middle-class Hollywood neighborhood, to be precise. Recently she gave me an update on the dismal mood of homeowners down there -- an attitude that doesn't bode well for the economy in general, given the importance of the housing market. Celeste and her husband both have good jobs, for which they're thankful. They bought their house, after selling a condo, at close to the top of the housing bubble. Now their home's assessed value approximates their mortgage balance, since values have dropped considerably the past few years and they wisely put 20% down.…
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Posted inFamily

Photos of cutest granddaughter in the world

To those who would challenge the truthfulness of this post's title, I reply: hey, what else could I call it? If it was your granddaughter's photos you were sharing, I'd expect you to say the same thing.Anyway, I managed to limit myself to 18. Not 18 dozen photos. Just 18. That took will power. A friend and I had labored long and hard to get a tree house ready for Evelyn's first visit as a three year old to Oregon. He built. I stained. The walkway over two sloping tree trunks is pretty steep, but Evelyn handled it just fine,…
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Posted inFamily

Southern California or Oregon? Take a guess

It's photo quiz time. See how many questions you answer correctly. Any Oregonian who gets less than 100% needs to better appreciate the beauties of southern California, which includes my three year old granddaughter.(Q.1) Was this girl posing provocatively for a photographer on a beach in Lincoln City, Oregon or Malibu, California? Well, duh. Have you ever observed this scene on an Oregon beach -- especially in late March? While in the LA area to visit my daughter and her family last weekend, I was fortunate to have my camera in hand while in Malibu.(Q.2) Is my granddaughter, Evelyn, thinking…
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Posted inFamily

My sister died today

"In memory of my sister." "An unexpected death." How do I title a blog post that is so painfully unexpected, but which I have to write --- because that's what I do when I hurt, and when I don't hurt: write.You say it like it is. My sister died today. I got the call from my brother-in-law, Bob, a few hours ago. He said that Carol Ann, who was 71, went into a room to look something up on her computer that they had been talking about. When she didn't come back after a while, Bob went to look for…
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Posted inFamily

Beer Frisbee as it’s meant to be played

I came to Beer Frisbee late in life -- two days ago, in fact -- but I've been ready for it since intense training during my California college days in the 1960's. Not by drinking beer, since this substance wasn't cannabis or a psychedelic. Hence...boring! But by spending countless Flower Power hours stoned on various substances and throwing frisbees with my brothers and sisters in altered consciousness.So when a couple of 30-something kids, Corey and Zack, challenged me and another 60'ish relative (Jerry) to a game of Beer Frisbee at a family reunion I jumped at the chance -- unconcerned that…
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Posted inFamily

I have a “what are the chances…” moment

Being philosophically minded, I wonder whether what are the chances... means what we think it does. A few days ago I met someone who made me exclaim, "No way! This is unbelievable."But believe it I did, because I was experiencing it. So what are the chances? Well, after something happens, it is obviously 100%. Before Tuesday, though, I wouldn't have bet that I'd ever have the conversation I did.A couple of guys from the water treatment company we use, Pacific Mist, came out to check the complicated system in our garage: Jeff, plus his 87 year old father, James. They…
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Posted inFamily

If divorce screws kids up, what’s wrong with that?

Reading the new issue of TIME magazine last night, I came across an article that says divorce is worse for children than most people believe. Great. Here I am, sixty years old, having been raised by my mother, no contact with my father except some phone calls and a one hour visit shortly before he died, and now it seems that I should be even more screwed-up than I've considered myself to be.Caitlin Flanagan, who must be super well-adjusted since her article starts off by mentioning her parents' 50th wedding anniversary, writes:The reason for these appeals to lasting unions is…
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Posted inFamily

More granddaughter photos — can’t help it!

OK, I've hit the blog post trifecta: three consecutive days of Maui granddaughter photos. Each evening I sit down at my laptop and think, "Really should write about something significant."Then a voice inside my head screams, What's more significant than an oh-so-cute two year old girl who is the one and only offspring of your one and only child?At which point I bow to inevitability, plug my camera's card into a USB port, and start downloading the newest pictures. Here they are... Me and Evelyn waiting to board the Sugar Cane Train. The Hawaiian fashion police weren't able to give…
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Posted inFamily

Photos of Maui maiden and grizzled Granddad

I'm powerless. Am in the grip of an irresistible force of nature. Must obey! Cannot blog about anything else until I post more photos of my oh-so-cute granddaughter, Evelyn. It's what grandfathers are drawn to do by karma, destiny, kismet, fate. And especially... love. I haven't seen Evelyn for more than twelve months. So it's been great to spend some Maui time with Celeste and Patrick's engaging two year old. Usually being the doting granddad camera-wielder, I don't appear in many shots. But here's an iPhone photo of my daughter, Evelyn, and me. This is Evelyn's first time at a…
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Posted inFamily

My granddaughter bonds with a baggage cart

Today I saw my two year old granddaughter, Evelyn, for the first time in a year. Proud granddad that I am, I'm pleased to report that within a few minutes of meeting up with her at the Maui airport I could tell that her good looks, charm, and intelligence are going to qualify her for a terrific career as an ... Airport baggage handler. Well, they get pretty good tips, so she could do worse in life.But I think Evelyn would be willing to work for free, given how much fun she had pushing the cart around. She took off…
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Posted inFamily

Now we’ve really proven Dr. Laura wrong

For five years Laurel and I have been building up to our ultimate nyah, nyah, you're so wrong! retort to Dr. Laura Schlesinger, the advice guru who is fond of reducing complex and mysterious human relationships to simplistic sound bites.Back in 2004 I warmed up with "14th anniversary -- take that Dr. Laura!" I noted that Laurel and I had known each other for about eight months before we got married, and I proposed within four months. A no-no for Dr. Laura, especially since I'd recently ended an eighteen year marriage. I said:One of her oft-heard Relationship Tenets was that…
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