Posted inHome life

DMV license renewal horrors

I’d been dreading going for my first over-55 license renewal, since the notice said that an eye test was required. For though my optometrist had assured me that my contact lens-assisted vision was better than DMV requires, more and more I’ve been using the “go past it and turn around” approach to finding unfamiliar streets. “We’re supposed to turn right on Cranberry Street,” Laurel will say. “OK,” I reply, straining to read the letters of signs that used to be much larger twenty years ago. I can only assume that budget cuts have forced cities to put up smaller street…
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Posted inHome life

Two blondes at one time

Last night my dream became reality. Two beautiful blondes were all over me on the sofa. Yes, prayers do come true. The only problem is that I wasn’t specific enough in my plea to the cosmos to fulfill my fantasy. One of the blondes, who happens to be my wife, was absolutely perfect. The other blonde, however, left a lot to be desired. Not that Serena isn’t also perfect in her own right. But certain sorts of intimacy flow much better when everyone involved is a member of the same species. Nonetheless, Laurel and I had just watched a PBS…
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Posted inHome life

Bikers for Aristotle…Why Not?

I love those passing moments that stick in your mind. Hardly any moments do. Most moments are, by nature, momentary. But once in a while an instant in time seems to reflect a lasting truth, something to be grokked for its wisdom potential. For example… Last night, sitting around after my martial arts class, I hear someone say the word “curry” while I’m putting my sandals on. Instantly I have an uncontrollable urge for Indian food. Conveniently, there is an Indian restaurant just a few doors down from the Pacific Martial Arts dojo. I order a couple of dishes plus…
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Posted inHome life

Junkyard dog, No! Samurai canine, Hai!

“Hai,” that’s “yes” in Japanese. And that’s just what I’ll say if you ask whether my new best friend, Hero, is a genuine Samurai canine. Yes, he is. So no, don’t call him a junkyard dog, even though this is what a sadly mistaken Internet site terms him. Plus, Laurel told me that even the box he came in had his pedigree mislabeled. I didn’t notice this when the good folks at Sisters Cascade of Gifts (where we adopted him today) brought out the original carrier that he came from China in. It was too large for us to take…
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Posted inHome life

My afternoon delight

Yeah, baby! I may be fifty-five years old, but most days I still take to heart the rockin’ message of “Afternoon Delight” (click here if you’re too young to know the tune of this classic song): My motto’s always been ‘when it’s right, it’s right! Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?... Looking forward to a little afternoon delight. Absolutely. If something feels good at midnight, it’s going to feel just as good at three in the afternoon. That’s why I’m an inveterate napper, and why I’m not ashamed to call the pillow in our extra bedroom…
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Posted inHome life Philosophy

Got a good fried cat recipe?

Here it is, Labor Day weekend coming up, nice Oregon weather forecast, outdoor eating time! And I can’t find a good recipe for fried cat. Damn. Been trying to figure out why Google, for once, has failed me. Best I could do was a song parody, and a warning that if you’re selling fried catfish, a partially burnt out neon sign isn’t good for business. I’m beginning to think that fried cat isn’t a very popular dish. But fried chicken…over a million search results, and plenty of recipes. Funny. Aren’t cats and chickens both animals? Aren’t both non-human? Don’t both…
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Posted inHome life

To: CEO, United Airlines

Re: Have you ridden in economy class lately? Dear Mr. or Ms. CEO, forgive me for not addressing you by name, but in this open weblog posting I purposely have avoided learning anything about you—such as your sex, age, religion, body type—so that you will be more impressed if the following guesses about some of your personal characteristics turn out to be true. I am assuming that you do some flying on your own airline. Isn’t this what CEOs are supposed to do these days, get down in the trenches with their customers and employees, and learn about the company…
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Posted inHome life

Crucial quiz: how long will you live?

It’s a sign of the (aging) times. Laurel used to read Cosmopolitan, and I would enjoy taking the infamous Cosmo quizzes, though often a bit of gender-bending was needed: “The hunky guy sitting next to you at the bar brushes his hand against your thigh. You’re not sure if it was an accident or on purpose, but you liked it. Do you …(A) …(B) …(C) …(D).” Hmmmm. It would take me a while to get the picture of a hunky guy stroking my thigh out of my mind, but once I did, and reinserted an image of Angelina Jolie, say,…
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Posted inHome life

I am picture hanger, hear me roar!

Last night Laurel and I watched “Tigers of the Emerald Forest” on Animal Planet. I got to fantasize about being a big male tiger whose sole jobs are to (1) roam around the forest looking tough and oh-so-cool, (2) mate with every female tiger you can, and (3) kill a defenseless deer once in a while to keep up the energy to roam around and mate. Sounds pretty good to me. Well, except for (4) fight off the other male tigers that want to take over your roaming and mating grounds. But, hey, that comes with being the top tiger…
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Posted inHome life

Our vitamin creation story

Lo, in the beginning there was but a single substance, One undivided, complete unto itself yet containing all within its grasp. In the fullness of time this One could not but be fruitful and multiply. For such was commanded by the holy scriptures. And the people gazed upon the Creation with wonder. Bounty piled upon bounty, filling all space, soaring heavenward. Yea, but the people were called to journey. And they couldst not leave the Fruit of the One behind. So the sacraments were placed in sacred vessels, and the people couldst worship wheresoever they found themselves. But the Garden…
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Posted inHome life

Clancy, a corn on the cob consuming cat

It’s a pretty slow news day in the Hines home, but fortunately I have a pet-interest photo on my digital camera that is begging to be uploaded: Clancy, the cat, eating corn on the cob! If this was the State Fair you’d have to buy a ticket to see such a sight (though maybe Clancy would be bundled with the two-headed calf), but right here on this weblog we’ve got the photo for free. Clancy belongs to Paul and Kelly Wilson of Corvallis, who invited Laurel and me to dinner last night. They are cat people. Cats people, actually, to…
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Posted inHome life

Corn on the cob: my calling

Global warming, terror alerts, stock market decline, rising oil prices, Bush/Kerry shenanigans. My friends, we can’t do much about these things, but we can act to solve a problem that, before yesterday, I blithely ignored. Certain synchronicities have convinced me that this is my calling: to urge each of you to make the world a better place by not—repeat, not—peeling down the husk when you’re considering buying an ear of corn. A passage from the last chapter of Thoreau’s “Walden” comes to mind: “Say what you have to say, not what you ought. Any truth is better than make-believe. Tom…
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Posted inHome life

Moral angst in the grocery store

I am the designated grocery shopper in the Hines household. Laurel pretty much is the designated everything-else shopper, aside from such necessities of life as books, computers, and other techno gadgets. I take my duty seriously. I am not a creative grocery shopper. Hewing to our evolutionary designed sex roles, my mantra is: “Get everything on the list; do not get anything not on the list.” Using every available dwindling ounce of testosterone in my aging body, each Wednesday I dedicate myself to hunting down the assigned items on the list. If I fail to catch a quarry, I am…
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Posted inHome life

Killing yellow jackets in their hidey-holes

Laurel and I consider that we’ve well-earned our self-appointed status of Yellow Jacket Hidey-Hole Special Forces Killers (plagiarized motto: “Death from Above”). The recent Oregonian article on these insect evil-doers lacked specifics as to how you send them to yellow jacket hell if you locate a ground nest. This article, “How to Kill Yellow Jackets,” is pretty good but doesn’t mention some of the battle-tested tips I’m about to share. [Update, August 2006: My wife has asked me to point out that yellow jackets aren't all evil. They are part of the balance of nature and do quite a bit…
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Posted inHome life

Feed Me!

Here’s a photo of one of the newest members of our non-Homo sapiens extended family: a big-mouthed robin chick expectantly waiting for Mom, Dad, or anyone else able to regurgitate robin food and poke it down his/her throat. My digital camera in hand, Laurel snuck up to the nest that is, um, nestled about five feet up an evergreen tree next to our house. In doing so she broke the Do Don’t Disturb The Robins! rule that was so seriously enforced by she herself all last weekend, during both a Friday night potluck and the whole rest of the time…
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Weapon of mass field mouse dispersion

I look a lot happier in this photo than I really am. Smiling at a camera is an ingrained reflex, even when I’m tired, dirty, covered with burrs, and wondering “Why the hell did we ever decide to live on five country acres?” Most of the time I love our land. That time excludes the four hours or so a year it takes me to mow down areas of tall grass with my trusty DR Field and Brush Mower, which I like a lot. What I don’t like is wrestling the mower around to miss the umpteen jillion (approximately) small…
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Posted inDogs Home life

Pampered pet, humbled husband

First, yesterday’s post about our dog’s overheating may have alarmed the many admirers of Serena the Wonder Dog, the Hines Family Animal Companion (we eschew calling her our “pet,” this being terribly Homo sapiens-centric, though the verb form of this word accurately describes how we spend much of every evening). Hopefully this photo that I snapped this morning when I went in to the dog room to wake her up will reassure anyone concerned about her welfare. Serena has an entire futon on which to sleep in her amazingly cute contorted dog postures. This is her famous “straight arm” pose,…
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Posted inDogs Entertainment Home life

“Fahrenheit 9/11” heats up audience (and our dog)

In our never-ending marital “told you so!” competition, my wife beat me two to one last night. We went to see “Fahrenheit 9/11” at Movieland in downtown Salem, and as the 7:45 pm showing time grew near I told Laurel that we should leave earlier than usual, since the movie was proving to be hugely popular among die-hard liberals—who, like almost everyone, love to be exposed to communications that confirm existing strongly held beliefs. Drawing myself up to the full height of my Alpha Male Head of Household Kingly Dominant position in our relationship, about 6:45 I emphatically decreed with…
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Posted inHome life

Reason #836,492 why Microsoft sucks

Using Microsoft Office reminds me of being married to my ex-wife during our final unhappy years together. It’s all I’ve got for the moment, but I just have to believe that there is something much better which would really meet my needs. Today it was Outlook 2003 that drove me to imagine the hell that rightfully awaits Microsoft programmers (or, more justly, the executives for whom they work). I dutifully have upgraded to Outlook 2003 from 2002, hearing that the integrated spam filter alone is worth the price. Yes, it is a nice spam filter, better than the stand-alone product…
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Posted inHome life

We visit an exotic land, the Pearl District

Rural south Salem is just sixty miles or so away from Portland’s Pearl District, but we felt as if we had journeyed to a foreign exotic land, so marvelous were the sights seen there. Not so marvelous, though, was the unfamiliar manner in which we learned Portlanders drive, on Friday afternoons at least. Rather than use their cars to move from one place to another, as is done in Salem, drawing near to Portland we observed thousands of them lined up neatly on the southbound freeway, seemingly motionless. We could not understand why so many Portlanders would choose to assemble…
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