Posted inHumor

Channeling my inner Jean Dujardin, I still look like me

Damn! I tried so hard! At the West Salem Starbucks today, to let out my inner Jean Dujardin, the marvelously expressive French actor who I loved watching in "The Artist." (And who won the Oscar for Best Actor this year.) A friend brought the January issue of Salem Weekly. It had a column that I'd written. I think he asked me to autograph the page to provide some literary amusement to his cat when the newspaper is put under fresh kitty litter. He also wanted to see how well the iPhone 4 camera works. So I handed over my phone and…
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Posted inHealth Humor

PETA warns women about screwing a vegan guy

Geez, I didn't know that us vegan/vegetarian men were so dangerously erotically powerful. But thanks to PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), I've learned the truth about BWVAKTBOOM, "Boyfriend Went Vegan and Knocked the Bottom out of Me." Have a look.   Is it true? Of course! You've just learned about this via a blog post on the Internet. Don't you believe everything you come across in cyberspace? (This woman has a different attitude, but she writes for Slate, which is almost mainstream media. So trust the PETA video; go vegan/vegetarian -- sexually safely, though.)
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Posted inHumor

“Vancouvria” — sharp satire about the anti-Portland

Man, I'm loving "Vancouvria." This homegrown You Tube'd video satire of Portland's more conservative neighbor to the north, where the dream of the suburbs lives on, is way better than "Portlandia" -- in my utterly subjective yet totally true opinion. Two more three-minute'ish episodes have been released, here and here, each as good as the first. Have a look, and a laugh. (In Episode 2, I really like "Ow...it burns!" and the guy continually texting.)    
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Posted inCurrent affairs Humor

In 2012, let’s elect Canada as president

Great news! The Canada Party has entered our presidential race. I'd vote for Canada to be the leader of the United States, for sure.  This is a highly persausive campaign video.   But seriously... (though I hope, oh, I so dearly hope, Canada will run for president), other countries have a hell of a lot to teach the United States. We aren't #1 in anything related to quality of life.  It's a fact. Check out the OECD's Better Life Initiative web site (Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development). Quality of life rankings for most of the world's developed economies, along with…
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Posted inHome life Humor

Weight training women, respect egos of older men

Astoundingly, via Google I wasn't able to find a reference to the most important bit of weight training etiquette every buff woman who frequents an athletic club needs to know: Do not, repeat, do not, leave a higher weight on a machine or piece of equipment than the senior citizen men in the weight room can handle themselves. This has bothered me for a long time. Today I learned that I'm not alone. Clearly, the time has come to educate women about proper weight training etiquette -- other than the obvious, like here, here, and here. This afternoon I chatted with…
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Posted inHumor

My favorite dark, twisted (and funny!) Christmas letter

Laurel, my wife, has a friend with a deliciously cynical sense of humor. Every year Nancy, which may or may not be her real name, sends out "The Dreaded Christmas Newsletter."  And every year I rejoice when I read it. It's always my favorite Christmas letter. Somehow I feel much better after reading her twisted outlook on life, than I do after perusing someone else's description of how much they enjoyed their overseas travels, visits with the grandkids, and the joy of growing older. I guess it takes the pressure off when Nancy shows me the lighter side, which, strangely,…
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Posted inHome life Humor

Help with my .XXX site market research

Until today I'd never considered becoming a purveyor of XXX material. But I just got an email from my domain name registrar, Dotster, informing me of how important it is to have a .XXX presence now that this top-level domain is available. Registering a .XXX domain enables you to keep control of your online brand. Landrush is open to members of the Sponsored Community or individuals who qualify to become members. General Availability is open to everyone regardless of whether you are an adult industry professional or simply looking to protect your web presence. Well, I don't exactly understand what…
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Posted inHome life Humor

Will our dog fit in a Nissan Leaf?

I have many unanswered questions.I'm still trying to learn the meaning of life, what will happen to me after I die, and why the Kardashian sisters are famous (I do have a guess: they're famous for being famous). But today I focused on a query assigned to me by Laurel, my wife. "WIll our dog, Serena, comfortably fit into the Nissan Leaf electric car that we're poised to buy? We'd made a stab at answering this question during our first test drive, learning that the $250 cargo floor organizer included by the manufacturer on the car earmarked for us produces…
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Posted inHumor

People with American flags are terrorists

My wife and I get a lot of emails from conservatives and other right-minded folks who want to alert us to threats against America. It's amazing what we've learned from these messages. I had no idea how far along Obama, Congressional Democrats, and other progressives are in their plans to destroy the United States. Did you know that the health care reform bill allows Obama to form a private army? Oh, its true. It must be, because I heard about this through the Internet. Well, we're grateful for these alerts. Now we want to do our part to keep America…
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Posted inHumor

Portland just #3 in pot-smoking — light up, PDX stoners!

This is embarassing for Oregon. Our largest city, supposedly oh-so-Green Portland, ranks behind Tallahassee, Florida and Boston, Massachusetts among the "greenest cities for marijuana enthusiasts." So says The Daily Beast in its annual survey of pot use. Next year, Portlanders, go for #1. The way the Trailblazers are going, you've got a lot better chance of being tops in pot-smoking than in professional basketball.
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Posted inHumor Salem

“Salemia” casting call gets my Inner Actor excited

Oh, man, I want it so bad -- a role in the "Salemia" series that local filmmaker Michael Perron and his posse are planning to make as our city's answer to the Independent Film Channel's "Portlandia." The Salemia notion started off as a Twitter craze, but is morphing into something more. What that turns out to be is limited only by Perron's wonderful creativity and sense of humor, which is on full display at his You Tube home. As alluded to below, my top strategy for getting a part in Salemia isn't my acting ability, but my fawning ability. Along…
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Posted inHumor Salem

Meet the talented (and funny) guys behind #Salemia

I hope the fawning title of this blog post gets me a role in a "Salemia" production being planned by Twitter-meme founders Mike Perron and David Jenkins -- even if it just appears on You Tube. (The competing "Portlandia" is on the IFC cable channel, which isn't exactly highly watched either.) Gino Corridori, a local cameraman for Portland's KATU, put up a well-done, entertaining interview with Mike and David on, where else, You Tube. Check out hIs "#Salemia: What's it all about?" blog post on the Salem KATU site. I was thrilled to see one of my OregonBrian #Salemia tweets…
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Posted inHumor Salem

“#Salemia” sets off capital city Twitter frenzy

Wow, something exciting finally is happening in Salem! Twitter aficionados are tweeting about how un-exciting Oregon's capital is, using the "#Salemia" tag. I first caught sight of #Salemia on my Twitter feed without knowing what it meant. When I read the tweets, I wasn't sure whether they were for real, or a joke -- which, of course, speaks volumes about Salem's well deserved reputation for being a blandburger sandwiched between spicy Portland and Eugene. Later in the day I came across Salem blogger Emily Grosvenor's post, "The rise of the #Salemia meme." Thanks to her, I learned what this is…
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Posted inCurrent affairs Humor

Who knew you could pitch a no-hitter on LSD?

I sure didn't know this until last night, even though I took quite a bit of LSD back in my early college days (1966-1968'ish). I learned about the marvelous achievement of Dock Ellis via an HBO presentation of a Robin Williams stand-up comedy show. When I saw Williams tell the tale of Ellis' LSD'ized no-hitter, I laughed a lot. Sort of felt like a flashback. Maybe it was. Here's the You Tube snippet:  If you want to know the full story of how Dock Ellis came to be pitching a major league baseball game while high on LSD and benzedrine…
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Posted inCurrent affairs Humor

Baby carrots go Xtreme! I’m crunch with that.

For a sixty-one year old dude, I'm on the cutting edge of what's happening, man. (Though those last three words date me.) In fact, I'm the handle that anticipated the cutting edge four years ago. Back in 2006 I was one of the few bloggers covering the baby carrot scene. My "Baby carrot community shaken to roots" post had a terrific title which should have won some kind of award. However, I didn't exactly make eating baby carrots seem like a mucho macho activity. I eat a lot of baby carrots. My wife makes me. At the age of 57…
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Posted inCurrent affairs Humor

Colbert’s hilarious take on Rand Paul not being board-certified

There's a good reason why, almost every night, my wife and I watch The Colbert Report before heading off to bed: Stephen Colbert is able to make us laugh about the state of the world, which, when we watch the regular news, usually is disturbingly depressing.A few days ago Colbert revealed that Rand Paul, a libertarian ophthalmologist who is the Republican candidate for U.S. Senator in Kentucky (and son of Ron Paul) isn't board-certified in his medical specialty -- though Paul claims that he is.Yes, it's true. The national panel that approves doctors as board certified said U.S. Senate candidate Rand…
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Posted inCurrent affairs Humor

BP, here’s a foolproof way to stop your oil spill

(Disclaimer regarding this blog post title: by "foolproof" I mean the dictionary definition of impervious to human incompetence. Given British Petroleum's past misdeeds involving the Gulf oil well disaster, they are arguably capable of superhuman incompetence.)This morning, as I was sipping my first cup of coffee, my freshly caffeinated brain came up with one of those brilliant ideas that pass so frequently through my cranium -- and which, sadly, often (if not always) fail to receive the acclaim from others that they so obviously (to me) richly deserve.I'd learned that BP was moving on to yet another attempted fix, after…
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Posted inHumor Web/Tech

Ellen DeGeneres iPhone parody touches on the truth

Apple officials are upset with Ellen DeGeneres for her all-too-true parody of an iPhone commercial, which shows that as easy as it is to use, it isn't that easy.The Apple guys need to get a humor implant. My wife and I each have iPhones and we frequently experience the sort of stuff DeGeneres does. Laugh on.
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Posted inCurrent affairs Humor

April 1? Census Bureau assumes psychic abilities

Geez, I wanted to be a good citizen and mail in my 2010 Census form today. The cover message, dated March 15, said in bold type "Please complete and mail back the enclosed census form today."OK. I tried. But then I saw that my answers have to reflect the people living or staying in our house on April 1, 2010. Today is March 18. A lot could change in the next two weeks. I've written to all of the girls featured in the 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, letting them know that we have a empty apartment area in our…
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Posted inHome life Humor

What I don’t know about women

I've been married for 38 years to two women (not at the same time, sequentially). If I'd been engaged in any other activity for that length of time, such as restoring '57 Chevys, I'd expect to know a lot about it.But the female psyche is a bottomless pit of mystery. Which is a big part of the reason women are so alluring.  Since tomorrow is Valentine's Day, I thought I'd celebrate by sharing some, just a fraction, a tiny bit, of what I don't know about women and male-female relationships. This is my way of honoring the half of humanity…
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