Posted inHumor Science

Dancing cockatoo shows that birds can boogie

Browsing through some news web sites this morning, it was nice to come across a story that made me smile rather than frown (as swine flu and economic headlines do).For the first time, apparently, scientists have proven that an animal can dance to music. Snowball, a cockatoo, performs to various tunes. This video of him grooving to the Backstreet Boys was the first one I watched. Loved it! I wish our dog could do half (heck, a tenth) as well. And that I could put a video of her on You Tube that would get over 2,150,000 views.Unfortunately for our…
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Posted inHumor

Jeez…I didn’t win “sexiest vegetarian” contest

Oh, man, I'm so bummed. Laurel picked up the newspaper yesterday and pointed out that PETA's Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door contest had a male Salem finalist.And the guy wasn't me. The reason must have been that I didn't enter.  Heck, what would have prevented a sixty year old who's been a vegetarian for almost four decades, and is still able to flaunt a beefcake tofucake photo like this from winning the contest?Oh, here's an idea: ageism. I carefully inspected the photos of the male and female Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door 2008 contestants. Well, "carefully" actually only applies to one of…
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Posted inHumor

Poking fun (gently) at Harley riders

I'm putting this post in my blog's "humor" category because Harley Davidson motorcycle riders take their bikes pretty damn seriously, and I don't want to tick off any of the brothers or sisters. Anyway, I used to have a motorcycle myself – a Yamaha Seca II – until my old lady (what I called my wife during the period I owned a bike, which helps to explain why I no longer have it) told me so many times that I was going to kill myself on it, I got afraid that I really would have a serious accident, become paralyzed,…
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Posted inHumor

Baby boomers confront the big “boom,” death

I'm going to be sixty this year. I keep thinking that some sign of the "golden years" should have popped up by now. Instead, growing old sure looks a lot more like ashen gray then luminous. Worse, it ends in black. Death. That's the worst part of aging: dying. On the other hand, for some people it's the best part. They're so miserable from sickness, loneliness, pain, suffering, poverty, and what not, death is a relief. For everybody else – those who want to keep on living – it's an unwanted intrusion into the pleasant pursuit of existing. Which seems…
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Posted inHumor

“Stuff White People Like” mostly right

Thanks to a friend, Randy, I now know that I'm white. He told me about "Stuff White People Like," pointing out to me #35 in the full list. The Daily Show/Colbert Report. Yes, I'm a habitual viewer. Thing is, I've watched so much of Stephen Colbert, like him I no longer see race. So I'd forgotten that my wife and I are white until I browsed through the ninety-one stuffs and realized that I liked a lot of them. Scoring high on half of the first ten pretty much proved that we're white. #1. Coffee#2. Religions their parents don't belong…
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Posted inHumor

Hilarious and telling: “Four short crushes”

If you've ever fantasized about that stranger in line in front of you at Starbucks, imagining in the space of 30 seconds how wonderful your life is going to be together once he/she turns around, your eyes meet, and a cosmic connection is forged that will last forever (or at least, until the next morning) – and who hasn't? – you've got to read Paul Simms' marvelous The New Yorker piece, "Four Short Crushes." A sample to entice you: Another restaurant dinner with my boring girlfriend, another lecture about how I never really listen to whatever she's yammering on about.But…
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Posted inHumor

“Draft Kevin Durant” a blog of beauty. But sort of gay.

Now, don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with loving Kevin Durant, who may or may not the Portland Trail Blazers' first NBA draft pick (and #1 overall, since they overcame 1 in 20 odds to get the top spot in the lottery). It's just that this guy's Draft Kevin Durant blog can't help but set off a Gaydar signal. But there's no doubting his devotion to Durrant and his distaste for Greg Oden, the presumptive favorite to be picked by the Blazers. I hugely enjoyed browsing through his hilarious over the top posts. Who knew that "seven footer" Oden…
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Posted inHumor

Google offers free broadband access! Sign up now!

Oh, my god, Google, it sounds too good to be true. Free in-home wireless broadband service. But Gmail is free. So is Page Creator. So is lots of Google stuff. Got to read more. Hmmm. The installation instructions make sense. I'm no do-it-yourselfer. But I could handle the set-up. On to the FAQs. Damn! We live in the country. Can I use TiSP if my home uses a septic system? Sorry, but no -- TiSP requires the use of a central sewer system to connect your home to the Internet. Oh, well. I'll hope for a v. 2.0.
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Posted inHumor

If sixty is the new forty, aren’t twenty year olds newborns?

I've been in a good mood ever since I heard the words "Sixty is the new forty" on my car radio a few days ago. I was on my way to a Tai Chi class. Eric, a classmate, had recently told me that he'd celebrated his 41st birthday. Being 58, I felt like an old codger when he said that. I would have tried to kick Eric's butt to make myself feel better, but Tai Chi'ians are supposed to go with the Tao flow. Plus, Eric has a black belt and is 17 years younger than me. But not really.…
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Posted inHumor

Hilarious Oh Holy Night renditions

God, I love Google. Through its magic I found a belly laugh-producing video rendition of “Oh Holy Night” after hearing it played on a radio talk show this evening. Callers-in begged the host to never, ever, play it again. Funny. I liked it. But then, this guy sings humorously better than I sing seriously. If you’re in the mood for another gut-splitting “Oh Holy Night,” I recommend Eric Cartman’s electrifying performance on a South Park episode.
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Posted inHumor

United States, Canada, and Mexico to merge

Thank god Oregon is a lot closer to Canada than Mexico. I hate beans! Hopefully I’ll be able to continue my usual eating habits after the elites merge the U.S., Canada, and Mexico. I learned about this scheme from a web site, Middle American News, so it must be true. I believe everything I find on the Internet. Thank you, MA News. I’ve got something to look forward to now. I like the idea of being Canadian, but don’t want to move somewhere even colder and rainier than Oregon. Serve me up the New World Order! (just be sure to…
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Posted inHome life Humor

I didn’t know strangling was part of poker

Last night I played poker for the first time since high school. And thus also for the first time without being drunk. I learned a lot about five-card draw from our poker-savvy neighbors, Tim and Jan. From the other player at the table besides me, Laurel, I learned that it isn’t a good idea to take almost all of your wife’s chips on the last hand of the game. Unless you enjoy being strangled when the chips are redeemed. I’m considering becoming a poker pro. At nine p.m. I put in $5. At ten fifteen I got back $8.65. That’s…
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Posted inCurrent affairs Humor

Request to be added to U.S. Terror Targets

Dear Secretary Chertoff: Today I noted with considerable satisfaction that the Department of Homeland Security includes a petting zoo and popcorn factory in your list of potential U.S. terror targets. Great work. I’m pleased that you’re thinking outside of the box when it comes to outsmarting the evildoers who wish to do us harm. What greater threat to the American way of life could there be than blowing a floppy-eared goat to smithereens, or striking a blow at our God-given right to chew noisily on overpriced snacks while watching a movie? My only concern is whether you have overlooked any…
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Posted inCurrent affairs Humor

Panexa. Ask your doctor for a reason to take it.

I’ve got to get me a prescription for Panexa. It should only be taken by patients experiencing one of the following disorders: metabolism, binocular vision, digestion (solid and liquid), circulation, menstruation, cognition, osculation, extremes of emotion. I qualify! And I’m not going to worry about the small percentage of squirrels who take Panexa and suffer from Excessively Floppy Tail Syndrome (EFTS). On the human front, the Panexa web site reassures me about the drug’s side effects: Most patients (2%) tolerate treatment with PANEXA well, especially when compared with prisoners of war of comparable size and weight. However, like all drugs,…
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Microsoft is my inscrutable Zen master

In a desperate attempt to make lemonade out of the Windows lemon, I’ve decided to look upon Microsoft as my Zen master. Perhaps I will be able to attain satori through my frustrating struggle with the baffling enigmas of Windows XP in much the same fashion as Hui-K’O cut off his left hand in his search for the Way. That is, the psychological maiming that my Microsoft Zen master makes me endure may be the prelude to recognizing the futility of human logic in seeking the ultimate. Which for me, in computer terms, would be to have an operating system…
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Posted inHumor

The Portland “boom!” An alien cover-up?

Saturday night, around nine pm, a mysterious loud boom was heard in the Portland area. Laurel and I happened to be at a friend’s condo in Sellwood at the time. All five of us in the room were startled by the sound. The condo owner, Mark, went out on the patio and listened for more booms. I thought it might be an earthquake. So did Laurel. But Channel 2 news says the boom wasn’t caused by an earthquake. Or Mount St. Helens. Or, likely, thunder. The KATU story theorizes that a meteor or military jet was the most probable cause…
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Posted inCurrent affairs Humor

Israeli anti-Semitic cartoon contest: I love it!

While Muslims are rioting and killing to protest cartoons of Muhammad, an Israeli guy has sponsored an anti-Semitic cartoon contest (only Jews may enter): Amitai Sandy (29), graphic artist and publisher of Dimona Comix Publishing, from Tel-Aviv, Israel, has followed the unfolding of the “Muhammad cartoon-gate” events in amazement, until finally he came up with the right answer to all this insanity - and so he announced today the launch of a new anti-Semitic cartoons contest - this time drawn by Jews themselves! “We’ll show the world we can do the best, sharpest, most offensive Jew hating cartoons ever published!”…
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Posted inHumor

“Brian Hines’ of the world,” by Brian Hines

In the self-referential realm of the Internet, where I frequently use Google to search for wisdom on a subject and find something I’ve written myself, it makes perfect sense for me, Brian Hines, to blog about the other Brian Hines’ of the world. Who, of course, I’ve learned about through Google. I skipped through the first eight entries that popped up on my “Brian Hines” search. For even though they pointed to some fascinating information about a brilliant namesake, that person clearly was me, and my quest was for not-me’s. Which brings us to Denny Laine, who created the Moody…
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Posted inHumor

War on men

(click to enlarge) Now that the War on Christmas has died a seasonal death, why doesn't Fox News start talking about the War on Men? This photo my sister sent me from the Caribbean shows that it's an international affront against (half of) humanity.
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