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Finally! No more naked wrists for me. I’ve found some rubber wristbands that spout a message I can get behind. I just ordered them and can hardly wait to share an honest philosophy of life with the world. Others can wear what they like. I’m declaring my allegiance to the curmudgeon side in the battle of the bands.

South Salem, Oregon. 11/28/04. 17:51 hours. Report by Col. B. Hines (no snickering if you read the name out loud—I had enough of that in high school gym class). Commanding officer, also sole soldier: Hinesland Anti-blackberry Special Forces. Good progress has been made in freeing Hinesland from the invader who crossed our borders many years ago—Himalayan Blackberry. May Luther Burbank rot in his grave for unleashing this despicable vegetation upon our defenseless natives. The values of Himalayan Blackberry are beneath contempt, as the above-referenced intelligence analysis describes: “It is capable of sexual and various types of asexual reproduction.” Various types,…