Posted inHumor

The Dreaded Christmas Letter is a darkly humorous must-read

Every year I look forward to getting The Dreaded Christmas Letter from Nancy, a long-time friend of my wife,  who ives in the San Francisco Bay area and teaches piano, plus water aerobics. This year Nancy's appealingly funny letter arrived via Facebook today, where it was easy to copy into a blog post where, hopefully, it will receive the worldwide adulation it deserves.  Enjoy. Since I stole all of the words from her newsletter, I figured I might as well steal the Facebook photos also. The Dreaded Christmas Newsletter What fun we had this year! Walking through walls, being able…
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Posted inSalem

“Salem is a really friendly town.” So says a couple considering moving here.

Last Monday my email inbox presented me with an interesting message, which said in part... Brian Hines: So, my wife and I are exploring Salem as a place to retire... from crazy, CRAZY Silicon Valley.   Two days before Christmas, just at this moment we're sitting in our AirBNB living room in South Salem, exploring by cyber-means what we've been doing by car and by shamelessly accosting locals on the street, in coffee houses, and at Northern Lights for the past week. After seeing a million prospective houses in West and South Salem, our real estate lady took us to Pringle…
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Posted inHome life Humor

Santa Claus must be impeached

My wife and I find no pleasure in sharing four articles of impeachment against Santa Claus in our 2019 Christmas letter. (Well, maybe just a little bit of pleasure.)  But we couldn't stand by and let the transgressions of Santa go unmentioned. Here's how we see the case against Santa Claus.Download 2019 Christmas Letter PDF
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Posted inLiving with a catheter Salem

Misfits belong in Salem’s theatre community (and elsewhere)

Misfits don't fit in. Except where they do. Like, in Salem's theatre community. There was a lot to like about today's City Club program, "On Stage: Salem's Vibrant Theater Community." But what I'm going to focus on is one thing Lisa Joyce, executive director of Pentacle Theatre, said. She told us that misfits find a home in theatre, because everyone is welcome there. I absolutely loved those words. And now, having written that five word sentence, I'm having trouble explaining why. So for the moment I'm going to take a detour around my personal feeling about misfits and return to it…
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Posted inFood and drink Health Salem

Why eating at In-N-Out Burger is morally wrong

Today an In-N-Out Burger restaurant has opened in nearby Keizer, Oregon, sending waves of feverish delight through the taste buds of people willing to spend hours in line to buy the main food offering... dead cows. I consider this to be morally wrong, having been a vegetarian for most of my life. So my objection isn't to In-N-Out Burger itself. What bothers me is that most Americans are so uncaring about the suffering they're producing by eating meat and fish. Understand: there's a variety of good reasons to be vegetarian or vegan. It's a healthier way to go. It's better…
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Posted inTai Chi

Here I am, doing the Compact Tai Chi form in a video

Having trouble falling asleep? Too worked up over present-day politics? Tired of cute cat/dog videos on You Tube? Here's the answer to your problems -- a decidedly low-key and almost silent video of me doing the Compact form that we've been learning in my Tai Chi class. This is how I introduced the video in a post on my Church of the Churchless blog. As the title of a book says, Feel the fear and do it anyway. So I'm taking that advice and sharing a video I made today of me doing a Tai Chi form. Watching the video…
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Posted inHome life

Questions I don’t like to get in the checkout line

OK, the title of this post isn't entirely accurate, because I'm talking about questions I get not only in the checkout line, but also other places.  Like, today this is what I was asked by a bank employee who was handling my deposit slip. "Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?" Before answering with a pithy, "Yes," my brain zoomed through a bunch of other responses that had come to mind.  -- Yes, I'm planning to rob a bank. But you'll be pleased to know, not this one.-- Yes, but my plans are top secret, so…
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Posted inFood and drink Home life

Our favorite vegetarian “turkey” is Trader Joe’s Turkey-Less Roast

Sorry, Tofurkey. Even though you're based in Oregon, where we also live, my wife and I have come to prefer Trader Joe's Turkey-Less Stuffed Roast to your Plant-Based Roast. Having been a vegetarian for 50 years, I've tried every variety of fake turkey since they became available. Back in 2006 I bemoaned the loss of a Tofurkey competitor in "Now & Zen Unturkey has flown the coop." What a Thanksgiving bummer! It looks like this beautiful creature is going extinct. Yes, this could be the last time a much beloved Now & Zen Unturkey graces our vegetarian table. I had…
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Posted inHome life Salem

Salem, we need to keep our local hardware stores alive

I'm a guilty Amazon Prime shopper. Meaning, I buy a lot of stuff from Amazon because the selection is so great, as are the prices, and I usually get what I want in a few days, sometimes the next day. But I realize that local stores are at risk of going under with the steady rise of online shopping. Hence, the guilt. Because I buy many books from Amazon, and have done so for a long time, I'm still feeling guilty about the demise of Jackson's Books way back when. However, after reading a New York Times opinion piece about hardware…
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Posted inPhilosophy

My iron-clad argument to be happy right now, no matter what

Periodically my brain comes up with cosmic conclusions that feel ever so right to me. For example, on my Church of the Churchless blog I've written about how back in 1968 I had a convincing realization that the universe is a paper bag turned inside out.  If this doesn't make sense to you, I recommend ingesting a psychedelic, mescaline, since that substance was responsible for the paper bag turned inside out insight. Which, I readily admit, didn't last very long in my psyche. On the other hand, my current cosmic conclusion arose while I was in a normal state of…
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Posted inHome life Web/Tech

After a string of 13-inch MacBook Pros, I’m enjoying the new 16-inch

I can't remember how many 13 inch MacBook Pro laptops I've owned. Five, maybe? I've used this marvelous computer for so long, they all blur together in a blend of great design, excellent software, and pleasing ergonomics. Well, my late 2016 13-incher, shown on the right, is a notable exception in one regard: the keyboard. Along with countless (more or less) other MacBook Pro users, I encountered the dreaded repeating keystroke problem about six months ago.  This common problem was caused by Apple inexplicably changing from a scissors-style keyboard that worked well to a butterfly-style keyboard that didn't -- apparently…
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Posted inHome life

My defense of leaf blowers (we live in the country)

I realize that leaf blowers are controversial. The gas-powered blowers are noisy. If I lived in the city, I'd find them annoying. But my wife and I live on ten acres in rural south Salem, where a leaf blower is not only unobjectionable for our distant neighbors, but a necessity for what I call the Leaf War I engage in every autumn. It's a strange sort of war, because I don't have a gripe with the numerous large oaks that surround our house, nor the deciduous trees that grace our large yard. They're just doing their leaf-dropping thing in accord…
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Posted inHome life

Here’s my pitch to be in a Subaru commercial

Hey, Subaru, I'm available. To be in one of your commercials. Here's my pitch. I don't have an agent, yet, so you'll need to contact me directly to take advantage of this oh-so-great offer. Lincoln has Matthew McConaughey. Subaru can have Brian Hines. Why? Because... I'm a 70-something baby boomer who, until today, looked upon the Subaru Crosstrek with amusement. Perhaps even with some disdain. Yeah, I saw them everywhere here in Salem, Oregon, along with Subaru Foresters, Outbacks, and other models with outdoorsy names. Sometimes the Lifesource Natural Foods parking lot has so many Subarus in it, I thought…
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Posted inHome life

Toyota and GM side with Trump on mileage standards. Bad move, carmakers.

Thanks for nothing, Toyota and GM. It's deeply irritating that you've chosen to join with the Trump administration in challenging the longstanding federal law that has allowed California and 12 other states to require stricter auto emissions than the national standard. A LA Times opinion piece, "By siding with Trump on emissions, GM, Chrysler and Toyota are asking for industry chaos," describes what's at stake here. General Motors, Fiat Chrysler and Toyota say the reason they’re backing the Trump administration in its assault on California’s decades-old campaign to reduce auto emissions is to avoid fragmenting the industry in search of…
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Posted inHome life Sustainability

Volkswagen, please sell a plug-in hybrid Mk8 Golf in the U.S.

I'm conflicted. I love my 2017 VW GTI. Yet I also love our one and only planet Earth and want to do my part to reduce the carbon emissions that are fueling dangerous global warming. Last Thursday I avidly watched streaming video of the rollout of the eighth generation Golf in Wolfsburg, Germany. Externally it looks pleasingly like the seventh generation Golf, with the same clean lines. But there are lots of improvements that sound really cool. A VW media release provides details. What got my environmental juices flowing was this section of the release. Five hybrid drives for the…
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Posted inSalem Sustainability

Electric vehicles are the future in Oregon

I walked into today's Salem City Club program, "Charging Ahead: Is Oregon Ready for Electric Vehicles?," feeling positive about electric cars. I walked out feeling super excited about them.  Which made me pleased that I'd put down a $2,500 deposit on the upcoming Tesla Model Y, a hatchback version of the popular Model 3 that I'm seeing a lot of here in Salem.  Jessica Reichers got my enthusiasm ramped up with her kick-off presentation. She's with the Oregon Department of Energy.  She noted that there's a lot of jargon associated with electric vehicles, EVs. ZEVs are zero emission vehicles. They…
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Posted inDogs Home life

It was a good day for our dog to die

Don't get me wrong. I didn't want our beloved older dog, ZuZu, to die. But she did last night, put out of her misery by a dose of morphine at Salem's emergency vet clinic. What made it a good day -- and now the tears are coming, as I figured they would when I set out to compose this blog post -- was how ZuZu and I got to have a pleasant day together yesterday, since she went downhill really fast, as I'll describe later on. Monday ZuZu and I had come back from central Oregon a day before my…
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Posted inBlack Butte Ranch Home life

My new favorite jacket: John Aranda’s custom fleece

My wife, Laurel, and I love the Harvest Faire in Sisters, Oregon, an annual October delight that we've gone to for many years. When we co-owned a cabin in Camp Sherman we made sure to schedule the weekend of the Harvest Faire, and we're still doing this now that we co-own a house in nearby Black Butte Ranch. This year I went to the Harvest Faire on both Saturday and Sunday, while Laurel went only on Saturday. Good decision on my part, since walking by the booths today with our older dog, ZuZu, I took a longer look at John…
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Posted inFamily

AncestryDNA results have me speaking with a Lithuanian accent

After listening to countless (almost) ads for Ancestry.com on the radio, a few weeks ago I decided to take a plunge into the waters of my DNA. Well, let's make that watery spit, since my saliva is what got sent off for testing. I don't know what took me so long to learn what countries my recent ancestors likely came from. Procrastination, I guess, since my rather unusual family history seemingly would make me a natural for an AncestryDNA report. I know quite a bit about my mother's side of the family. I know almost nothing about my father's side,…
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Posted inHome life

Here’s what a 71 year old guy does on his birthday

I have an easy answer to the title of this blog post: almost exactly what I do on any other day. After all, I'm 71,  not seven. A birthday party of any sort was the farthest thing from my mind. I enjoy my usual Monday routine. So I followed it, with a few exceptions. Reading and meditation in the morning -- check. Grocery shopping in early afternoon-- check. Tai Chi class in late afternoon -- check. Dog walk in early evening -- check. The big surprise of my birthday came when I unlocked our mailbox. There it was, a birthday…
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