What Survivor, the TV show, says about the election

We’re fervent fans of CBS’ Survivor. Haven’t missed an episode, ever. Not once in sixteen seasons. We put so much time into the show, I like to discern Big Truths in the machinations that go on between the contestants.

I’m not a Clinton supporter, but the Fans versus Favorites contest on a Micronesian island that concluded last night was a good omen for her.

First, the women ruled. Everyone in the final four was female. The girls were way more devious than the guys.

That’s why this is called a “reality” show. Cirie talked about how her mother said that women might not be able to beat men physically (pointing to her biceps), but they could always beat them here (pointing to her brain).

It was painful to watch the last episodes. Trusting male after trusting male fell into the webs of trickery these Black Widows spun out of sweet talk and false promises.

Hopefully neither the voters nor the superdelegates will do the same. You never know, though.

Take the case of Erik, a nice guy who got wound around the finger of Natalie. She was billed as a “personal trainer.” Her bio says that she also is a bartender. Yeah, I can believe it. She knows how to handle men, with or without a drink in their hand.

Erik strains and sweats to win immunity. He’s on the chopping block to be voted off the island, being the odd man out with the four women.

I was excited when he won the immunity necklace. Now the females would have to eat one of their own at tribal council.

But the women hatch a scheme to make Erik feel that unless he gives the immunity necklace to Natalie, they won’t trust him – so he’ll be voted off eventually anyway.

Natalie is reluctant to even try this line out on Erik. “Who would believe that?” she asks her conspiring sisters. “Give it a try, Natalie,” they urge her. “Use your feminine wiles.”

Dear god, it was painful for me, as a man, to watch Erik cross his fingers (dude, nobody does this anymore, especially not 22 year olds) after handing over the necklace in an astonishing display of naiveté.

Which, in short order, resulted in him having his torch snuffed on a 4-1 vote. So much for trust. Everyone watching could see it coming but Erik.

Barack, pay attention. Don’t believe what Hillary’s camp is telling you, no matter how good it sounds. If you take her on as your vice-president, make sure she’s on a short leash (ignore how sexist that sounds).

The crowning touch of reality came when Parvati beat out Amanda in the final tribal council and won the million dollars. Laurel and I both cried out “No!” when the 5-3 vote was announced.

Amanda, the beauty queen, was cool, calm, and collected. A schemer, sure. But basically straightforward. Parvati was a shameless flirt, coming on to guys and girls alike (one comment on the Survivor message board opined, “Natalie voted for Parvati because she wants to sleep with her”).

So who comes out on top? The woman who will say or do anything to win, forming and breaking alliances with anyone and everyone if it helps her get what she wants.

I can reluctantly accept Parvati winning Survivor. But equally schemy Hillary winning the Democratic nomination… nightmare.

That’d be too much reality.