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Jet lag has been melatonin'd away. Scarily tall grass has been cut. Piled up mail has been sorted to manageable proportions. It's time for a Maui vacation post-mortem. First, and most importantly, I know that somewhere in the blogosphere there's a number of people—maybe as many as two or three, if I count relatives—who are deeply concerned about how Serena the Wonder Dog made it through eleven days at the Shaggy Dog Kennel in Dallas. Oregon, not Texas. However, it still is about a half hour drive each way, since we live in Salem. We take Serena all the way…

Class-action attorneys, I'm waiting for your emails. I'm a representative of a significant Easter-oppressed group: non-Christians who worship Sunday gadget shopping and latte sipping. My "religion," though which I derive deep meaning and satisfaction, may be non-traditional. But I should be free to practice it without interference. And today, I can't. Thumbing through the Sunday paper ads, I just realized that Best Buy is closed today. Outrageous! I woke up this morning filled with a gloriously uplifting thought: "In a few hours I'll rejoice in the buying of a new high-tech wall phone that we need for our soon-to-be-remodeled kitchen."…

Thank god, I made it through this morning's storm. Bojack.org's Storm Center 9000 has been ably reporting on how the Portland area has been surviving this wintry mix of rain and snow, with temperatures plunging to the high 30s and winds peaking in the 'teens (Bojack says there was a gust of 14 mph at the airport. Wow!) Here's how it went in south Salem. I woke up, rubbed my eyes, and looked out the window. Whiteout. Everything was blurred together, indistinguishable. Then I remembered to put on my glasses. The storm came into focus. A chill went up my…

You just never know what the day will bring. Especially if you’re a squirrel. Who must have heard our front door open,and sensed a dog begin to come out. Who made a fatal choice: to run up a power pole instead of an oak tree. Life. Death. Not much separates them. One moment you’re frisky and bushy-tailed. The next instant you’re popping, crackling, and smoking on top of a power pole. Flaming too. Or maybe it was the pole that was briefly on fire. Regardless, it was exciting enough to warrant calling 911. I was told that if a power…

Here’s what I learned today about taking photos of snow: don’t wait. Especially if you live in Oregon’s Willamette Valley. By the time I roused myself to pick up my camera and venture outside, melting had made an appearance. You’ll have to trust me. The trees were beautiful. All white, instead of green. I’d compose a haiku in lieu of the missing photos, but I never can remember how many syllables go on each line. Anyway, there's something else the snow told me. You can’t stop things from changing. Snow, or anything else. But you can get on board the…

Yesterday my athletic-watching skills were sorely tested. But I passed with high marks. With astounding skill I managed to go out in public while the Oregon State-Missouri Sun Bowl game was being recorded on my DVR, and return home without knowing who won. I’ve got considerable practice at this, so I’d be remiss if I didn’t share some tips with those just coming up in the sports event recording ranks. Of course, I had to hone my talent in the school of VCR hard knocks. When I used to play doubles at the Salem Tennis and Swim Club, I can’t…

There’s nothing wrong with Christmas except almost everything. Frantically buying presents. Obsessively decorating the house. Feverishly socializing. Leave all of that stuff out and you’re left with something good. It just isn’t Christmas as we in the United States know it. But it’s surely a lot closer to what the man we’re supposedly honoring, Jesus, would have wanted. I found this image at Buy Nothing Christmas ’06, along with other posters that inspired my increasingly minimalist Christmas soul. Last night Laurel said, “Let’s not get each other any presents this year.” “Sounds good to me,” I told her. I’ve already…

What a Thanksgiving bummer! It looks like this beautiful creature is going extinct. Yes, this could be the last time a much beloved Now & Zen Unturkey graces our vegetarian table. I had no problem buying this ungobbler a few days ago at LifeSource Natural Foods. But this disturbing page greeted me when I tried to access the Now & Zen web site. And the buzz over at Veggie Boards isn’t encouraging: Now & Zen is no more. Same message here. Nor is there any cyberspace sign of Green Options, the company that reportedly bought the makers of the Unturkey.…

I love my Stihl backpack leaf blower. I also love Henry David Thoreau’s Walden. Can my loves co-exist? Would Thoreau, who wrote "If the soul attends for a moment its own infinity, then and there is silence," approve of pushing leaves around by means of a noisy engine? Yes, I believe he would. There is beauty, profundity, and philosophical wisdom in the practice (dare I say “art”?) of leaf blowing, notwithstanding the snooty attitude of this blogger, who considers leaf blowers a din of ubiquity. Cute. And often true. But our house sits on ten acres, not a small city…

Like most men, I feel grateful that I’m not married to me. Laurel, my wife, simply is a better person than I am. Less egotistical, more compassionate and generous. Here’s an example. Last week we stopped at the Mountain High Grocery in Detroit, our habitual halfway pit stop when driving back and forth from Salem to our cabin in Camp Sherman. The coffee is good, the toilets are clean, and the snacks plentiful. Nirvana. This visit I also wanted an Oregonian for my reading pleasure after we got home. Looking to my left as I walked through the Mountain High…

After years of blogging, it occurred to me that I’ve never written about my bathroom habits. This oversight needs to be corrected. After all, some of my most satisfying moments occur on the toilet. Now, you might be thinking, “Brian, you need to get a life.” But going to the bathroom is part of my life. And since I’m a vegetarian, it takes up a larger share of my day than it does for most people. Yes, it’s a scientific fact. Vegetarians and vegans kick butt, so to speak, when it comes to the frequency of bowel movements (detailed BM…

I keep hearing of more and more people my age—late 50s, early 60s—who are moving to easy care condos with a few potted plants on the deck. Every year at field mowing time this seems like a damn good idea to me. And also, a horrible prospect. We’ve got about a dozen grassy areas on the five acres surrounding our house that need an annual mowing. Reasons: reduce fire danger, aesthetics, keep brush from growing in. Side benefit: gain insight into the adage, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” This is a unpleasant job. My attitude hasn’t changed from…

I’m hugely proud of my grocery list system. I’ve worked on it for many years, evolving it into a highly refined state. It’s time to offer it to the world. Behold The Hines Household Grocery List! Click on this thumbnail and let it enlarge (erotic, isn’t it?) so that we can examine the fine points together. Now, the main use of this list is for my weekly shopping expedition. I’m the designated grocery hunter. I bring back the bulk of the supplies. My goal is to get everything on the list and to waste little time on getting anything that…