We got a TOTO bidet. Using the toilet is much more pleasant.

Life is stressful these days. Well, actually, life always is stressful to some extent. It just seems that the state of our nation and the world is more distressing now. So I'll take comfort and relaxation wherever I can find it.

Including when I sit on the toilet in the bathroom that I use the most, being adjacent to my bedroom. (My wife, Laurel, and I sleep separately.) 

A few weeks ago Laurel had the bright idea of getting a bidet. She'd gotten back from visiting relatives in Indiana who had a bidet. Laurel didn't try it, but they praised the bidet. I'd heard of bidets, but knew next to nothing about them.

Soon after, Amazon delivered a round TOTO SW583#01 S350E. It wasn't cheap, about $1,200. But the Amazon listing sounded great. I'd never had a toilet seat that offered a refreshing clean, lavish standard of living, peace of mind, and an embrace of uniqueness.

A REFRESHING CLEAN FOR EVERYONE – Instant and continuous warm water stream will last as long you need it; AIR-IN WONDER WAVE provides a gentle, yet effective clean every time by infusing air into each droplet; Oscillating and pulsating functions.

STEP INTO A LAVISH STANDARD OF LIVING – Automatic open/close lid provides a hands-free experience by sensing when users approach and depart; Nightlight gently illuminates the room; Instant and continuous warm water stream will last as long you need it.

CLEAN INNOVATIONS OFFER PEACE OF MIND – PREMIST helps prevent waste from adhering by misting the toilet bowl before each use; EWATER+ cleans the inside and outside of the wand before and after use and helps to clean the toilet bowl upon departure.

EMBRACE YOUR UNIQUENESS – The convenient remote allows users to control and set personalized water cleansing settings. Provides luxury and cleanliness at your fingertips; 2 user memory settings for quick access.

Farther down the page, I liked the references to a heated seat and "Imagine washing your hands, dishes or car with dry paper. We all like things to be nice and clean, so why don't we wash the important things the same way?" Those important things were unspecified, but since this is a fancy electronic toilet seat, I got the anatomical message.

The installation went smoothly, mainly because I didn't do it. First we needed to have an electrician install an outlet next to the toilet, because there wasn't an outlet nearby. Then I had to call a plumber after I tried to close the toilet's water valve (necessary for installation) and it wouldn't move. 

Not surprisingly, when the plumber arrived, his much younger and stronger right arm was able to close the valve, though he did say that it wasn't working right, being difficult to turn. So after he installed a new more modern valve that just needs a quarter turn to close, I said "You might as well install the TOTO as long as you're here."

Here's my new favorite ceramic friend. My wife put a hook in the corner of the wall to keep the electrical cord off of the floor. [NOTE: Typepad, my blogging service, is going out of business as of September 30; seems like it's largely out of business now; I just spent 30 minutes trying to publish a photo of the TOTO; no luck.]

Initially it felt a little weird to use a remote control to have a bowel movement. Well, not to have one, I still take care of that without any electronic assistance.

But after I've done what needs doing, on a pleasantly heated seat, I press the "rear" icon and in a few seconds pleasantly warm water pulses pleasantly against my butt, doing what toilet paper used to accomplish much less pleasantly. Haven't tried the "front" icon yet, since I'm a man. Then I press the "stop" icon to turn the water off. Pressing the dryer icon causes pleasantly warm air to blow against my butt, finishing the job that toilet paper used to do. "Stop" turns the air off.

My frequent use of the word pleasantly reflects how much I enjoy the TOTO bidet. It makes going #2 into a much more enjoyable experience. Cleaner. Easier. Kind of like having a little robot wash and dry your butt with warm water and air. 

You can customize each of the TOTO features via the remote.

At first I turned off the PREMIST feature because it activates each time I walk into the bathroom, even if I'm not using the toilet. That wastes a bit of water (we have a well, so are conscious of our water use) and makes a little tinkle every time it activates. But since it does indeed keep the toilet bowl cleaner, after a day or two I turned PREMIST back on. Now I view the little tinkle as the TOTO saying hello to me, preparing the toilet for me possibly sitting on my pleasant throne. 

So far the TOTO has worked flawlessly. And I figure that the bidet will pay for itself at some point given that I no longer have to use toilet paper. Sure, "at some point" probably means in a hundred years or so, which I'm unlikely to see given my age (76). But at least my remaining years of bathroom life will be considerably more pleasant.

Did I mention that the TOTO is really pleasant to use? Seems like I did. I'm an old man and can be a bit forgetful.