Posted inHumor

United States, Canada, and Mexico to merge

Thank god Oregon is a lot closer to Canada than Mexico. I hate beans! Hopefully I’ll be able to continue my usual eating habits after the elites merge the U.S., Canada, and Mexico. I learned about this scheme from a web site, Middle American News, so it must be true. I believe everything I find on the Internet. Thank you, MA News. I’ve got something to look forward to now. I like the idea of being Canadian, but don’t want to move somewhere even colder and rainier than Oregon. Serve me up the New World Order! (just be sure to…
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Posted inHome life Neighborhood

My wife has to call 911 because I’m out of breath

Fortunately, the reason was that I’d just run uphill from a trail where a rider had fallen off his horse and was in bad shape. I didn’t want the 911 operator to think that this was some sort of heavy breathing crank call. So Laurel did the talking and I gasped out the details. “Guy. Fell off horse. Woman is with him. Can’t move. Lots of pain. Conscious. Looks to be in his 60s.” This morning I’d heard yelling through an open window. At first I figured it was kids playing on the trail easement that runs along the lower…
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Posted inScience

Secrets of the sexes, revealed!

After investing three hours of watching “Secrets of the Sexes” on Oregon Public Broadcasting, I figured that I should share what I learned about how men and women are different. Aside from the obvious, I mean. Note: this is serious research-based stuff, not cocktail party surmising. In the first episode I watched various Britons (this was a BBC production) riding in a cab and being treated to some personal cabbie chatter. When asked to recall the particulars of the conversation and cab ride, women were more tuned in to the emotional situation while men were more thing-oriented. Not a big…
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Posted inMiscellany

Don’t believe those longevity calculators

Lifespan-wise, I had some good news and bad news today. After reading about the Eons web site in TIME’s “New tricks for living past 96” article, I answered the questions on their longevity calculator. The article said, “the longevity calculator is what has given the website traction.” It must be popular, as it took a long time for their site to bring up a new page. After I clicked on the final button I was left in suspense for what seemed like, well, eons. What if the calculator said that I’d likely only live to 58? I’m going to be…
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Posted inEntertainment

Stephen Colbert should put Jon Stewart on notice

Why? Obvious to anyone who watched the Emmys. I cringed each time The Daily Show beat out The Colbert Report for an award. That’s why The Daily Show needs to go On Notice. Now, I realize it isn’t Stewart’s fault that his protégé has surpassed him in wit, intelligence, and entertainment value. Still, those Emmys that The Daily Show carted back to New York need to be cloned and shared with Colbert. Just because the Emmy voters chose Barry Manilow (!!!) over The Colbert Report (how can these two even be uttered in the same breath?), doesn’t mean that this…
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Posted inCurrent affairs Science

Progressives are battling for reality

It’s worth fighting for: reality. Indeed, the only thing really worth fighting for. My version of scripture says, “And what profiteth a man, if he wins all the world, and loses reality?” Right-wingers are out to overturn a vision of the world that has served us exceedingly well since the Enlightenment: there is an objective reality that, broadly speaking, is the domain of “science,” and there is a subjective reality that, broadly speaking, is the domain of “art.” Thus we have the sciences and the arts. We have physics and we have mystics. We have demonstrable facts and we have…
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Posted inCurrent affairs

Just when I thought right-wing talk radio couldn’t get stupider

I was proved wrong by a fill-in host for Mark Levin (another “Mark,” who I assume was Mark Simone). This afternoon I heard him blabbing about how Google has purposely jiggered with its search engine so typing in “failure” brings up, as the #1 result, the official biography of George Bush. Simone claimed that this shows the left-wing bias of Google, which he said has Al Gore on its board of directors. That’s false. Gore is a Senior Advisor to Google and a member of Apple’s board. But he was correct about the “failure” search. And it’s also true that…
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Posted inBooks Current affairs

Osama Bin Laden’s mistress, a topless womanist

Kola Boof claims that she was Osama Bin Laden’s mistress in the mid-1990s. In her book Boof reveals juicy details about Bin Laden’s sexual and cultural predilections. From a Harper's excerpt I learned that Boof’s Al Qaeda boy toy made her dance naked to Van Halen; he didn’t know the difference between being vicious and being tender (shock!); he enjoyed hitting the hookah before sex; his favorite TV shows were The Wonder Years, Miami Vice, and MacGyver; and he adored Whitney Houston so much, he wanted to give her a mansion in Khartoum. I believe it all. Sure, there are…
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Posted inHome life

My bathroom habits: facts about flax

After years of blogging, it occurred to me that I’ve never written about my bathroom habits. This oversight needs to be corrected. After all, some of my most satisfying moments occur on the toilet. Now, you might be thinking, “Brian, you need to get a life.” But going to the bathroom is part of my life. And since I’m a vegetarian, it takes up a larger share of my day than it does for most people. Yes, it’s a scientific fact. Vegetarians and vegans kick butt, so to speak, when it comes to the frequency of bowel movements (detailed BM…
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Posted inMiscellany

Follow Up: steal this great idea for a website

I dearly hope that someone will take this idea for a “Follow Up” website and run with it all the way to Internet stardom. Wouldn’t you visit a site that kept track of stories that fall off the media-frenzy radar before the final chapter is written? (to mix metaphors) I sure would. Consider these “what ever happened with…” examples: --What ever happened with the investigation into the shelling of the UN observer outpost on the Israel-Lebanon border? At first Kofi Annan accused the IDF of deliberately targeting the outpost. The Israelis claimed it was an innocent mistake, notwithstanding repeated urgent…
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Posted inMeasure 37

Measure 37 proving to be Oregon nightmare

Just as those of us who opposed the dismantling of Oregon’s land use laws predicted, Measure 37 has turned out to be a nightmare. People voted for it because they thought little old ladies would finally be able to build a family homestead on acreage put off-limits by rigid zoning restrictions. Some of that is going on. Which is fine. I don’t have a problem with putting a single home on land that turned into “exclusive farm use” after a couple bought it as “rural residential.” But I do object to putting a pumice mine and geothermal generating plant in…
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Posted inTango/Dance

In Tango, as in marriage, the man is always wrong

Last night our dance instructor reminded us of the Tango truth: “The man is always wrong.” A murmur of agreement was heard from the women. I could hear several men mutter, “Just like marriage.” Carlos, a guest instructor a few months back, gave us the same message. Guess I’ll have to live with it. Not that I disagree with the adage, especially after repeatedly stepping on Laurel’s feet as we tried to learn some cross foot moves. Tango, Carlos told us, is just a man walking with a woman so she will fall in love with him. At least during…
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Posted inHome life Humor

I didn’t know strangling was part of poker

Last night I played poker for the first time since high school. And thus also for the first time without being drunk. I learned a lot about five-card draw from our poker-savvy neighbors, Tim and Jan. From the other player at the table besides me, Laurel, I learned that it isn’t a good idea to take almost all of your wife’s chips on the last hand of the game. Unless you enjoy being strangled when the chips are redeemed. I’m considering becoming a poker pro. At nine p.m. I put in $5. At ten fifteen I got back $8.65. That’s…
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Posted inCurrent affairs

Once more, with feeling: “Oregon is not a high tax state!”

Today, on KPAM’s Victoria Taft show, I listened to Republican gubernatorial candidate Ron Saxton blather on about out-of-control state spending. That’s a fiction. I proved so in my April post, “Oregon is not a high tax state.” In my blogger delusionality, I figured that would be the end of it. Politicians and talk show hosts would have learned the truth. My post would have changed the world. Sadly, the message obviously hasn’t gotten through. So I’ll sing my song again. Oregon ranks 36th out of the 50 states in state and local taxes as a percentage of per capita income.…
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Posted inCurrent affairs

Who’s to blame for Black Crater fire? Bush, of course.

Now that the 9,400 acre Black Crater fire near Sisters, Oregon is nearly contained, the local weekly is asking why the fire wasn’t stopped when it was 50 to 100 acres in size, before it threatened residential communities. The Nugget newspaper’s answer: lack of resources. Sisters District ranger Bill Anthony is quoted: “The fix is, obviously, to make more resources available,” said Anthony. And that would take a considerable ramping up of funding. “I would say that that discussion needs to be between the citizens and the public representatives that represent them,” Anthony said. My wife and I are part…
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Posted inRecreation

Simple pleasures on the Metolius

This is the title of an article in the August 2006 issue of Sunset magazine. Read it. If you’ve never been to central Oregon’s Metolius River, it’ll make you want to go. If you’re there already, like we are, it’ll help explain the smile on your face. Not that smiles need explanation. And not that every moment on the Metolius is pleasurable. Take, for example, simply standing in the 48 degree water. The air was 90 degrees when Laurel did that this afternoon, on a hike downriver from the Wizard Falls fish hatchery. Yet a few seconds after I took…
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Posted inCurrent affairs

U.S. military in Iraq can’t even count

It’s no wonder things are going so bad in Iraq. The U.S. military can’t even count. Images taken from drones flying over the recent massive pro-Hezbollah rally in Baghdad supposedly showed that 14,000 people attended the demonstration. The organizer of the march, Moqtada al-Sadr's Mehdi Army, said the crowd totaled one million. So who are you going to believe? I’d say, “none of the above.” An Iraqi working for the Los Angeles Times estimated there were at least 100,000 demonstrators. Tellingly, the story in which this estimate appeared said, “American military officials, eager to play down support for Hezbollah, put…
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Posted inDogs Salem

Images of 2006 Salem Dog Parade

Once again this year I guaranteed a loss for Serena in the Best Costume category by simply tying a bandana around her neck and heading off to yesterday's Salem Dog Parade. I’d considered entering the dog/human look-alike contest, but couldn’t decide whether to dye my hair blonde or Serena’s fur gray. But this couple looked muy adorable even with different colored coiffures. T-shirts and micro-skirts were, as always, popular on larger dogs. Next year we’re going to dress Serena up properly, I almost promise. If I was an Oregon State fan, I’d caption this photo “A dog of an Oregon…
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Posted inCurrent affairs Sustainability

Bush finally embraces sustainability. For a bad reason.

I’m still trying to get my head around George Bush’s new love for sustainability, a Green word decidedly at odds with this envirophobic president. Yet there he is these days, calling for a sustainable this and that. The problem is, the “this and that” Bush wants to sustain is the war in Lebanon and its extension to Syria and Iran. Sure, he speaks about his desire for a sustainable cease fire in the Middle East, but what Bush really means is that he wants Israel to keep pounding Hezbollah (and innocent civilians) until fire from across the border ceases, because…
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Posted inCurrent affairs

The least we owe them is a tear

If I was the parent of one of the 37 children killed by the Israeli bomb that hit the Lebanese town of Qana last night, the least I’d expect from the citizens of the country whose President and Secretary of State see no need for a cease fire that would have saved the lives of those innocents is this: A tear. Better, lots of them. Have we forgotten how to cry? Sometimes it takes a talented writer to remind us of what it means to be human. (Are you paying attention, George and Condoleezza?). I’ve just finished reading “God Laughs…
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